we're praying for a miracle baby

"Newborn Photography" by Ahza Collection is licensed under CC BY 2.0, not edited.

I'm going to share something very personal, but I feel like it's important that I am vulnerable and share from the heart. 

Nicholas & I have been trying to have a baby for nearly two years. 

In the spring of 2014, after prayer and discussions, we felt ready to take this next big step towards parenthood. I was beyond excited, so full of hope. From the start, we felt God speak things to us about our future child, and we were so overjoyed with the person they would be. I knew it could take someone with no fertility issues up to a year to conceive, (though it most often takes 6 months or less) but I doubted this would be the case for us. I was convinced we would be bringing our sweet baby into the world before we knew it. The desire of my heart was to have a baby while we were still in the USA, so we could have a 'normal' season adjusting to life as parents, surrounded by family and friends, before we jumped back into long term missions. Months & months passed, each one being a cycle of hope & sadness, hope and sadness. We were presented with the opportunity to get back into missions in Slovakia, and while my hearts desire was to have a baby before going back overseas, we felt it wasn't enough to base our decision on, since it hadn't yet happened. So, we prayed, felt God clearly say to go, and so we went. 

I was still fully expecting to be pregnant before we hit that year mark, and yet it came, and went. 

We now found ourselves in a foreign country, not speaking the language, and needing to start the process of doctor visits to find out what/if anything was wrong. We were blessed to find english speaking doctors, but the process was very overwhelming. I'm not that familiar with the medical system in America, let alone here where things are very different. We went through numerous tests and after a few months we were given an official diagnosis - a severe form of infertility that is probably a genetic issue and "nothing can be done." They said there could be a very slight chance of natural conception, but it's not likely. We were (are) shocked and heartbroken. (What was particularily shocking was our diagnosis - male factor infertility. People so often assume infertility is a woman's issue, but it isn't always the case)

I can't adequately describe the pain of infertility... and if you've never walked through it, I don't think you can quite imagine. Most of us grow up detached from or unaware of this issue. We think when it comes to having a baby it's a "1+1=2" sort of idea, in that it WILL happen, and it WILL be relatively easy to conceive. I grew up in a huge family with pregnancies constantly being announced. I grew up with friends joking about how fertile I would be and guessing how many kids I would have. I grew up with so many God given dreams in my heart centering around being a wife and a mother. When we first started trying, I felt my heart come alive in a way I'd never known - the mother in me was awaking. Instead, I find myself 21 months in to the most trying, heartbreaking, dream threatening, season i've walked through. It's not just a one time sadness you face - it's something that is a constant rollercoaster, each month bringing hope, and each failed month bringing new disappointment. I have given it over to God time and time again, and will feel more peace about it, and then my emotions unravel all over again. The past 2 years have held so much beauty and joy, but I would be lying if I said this wasn't on my mind each day. I'm very much entering the season of life where EVERYONE I know seems to be getting pregnant. While I'm happy for them, my heart breaks a little more with each announcement. Not only because it's a reminder of what my heart longs for and can't yet have, but also because I would love nothing more than to be pregnant alongside the people in my life. 

While we have shared this struggle with numerous family & friends, it's something that is hard for me to be open about. My heart is so sensitive and I'm so scared of hearing the statements that can hurt, but are disguised as being helpful for comforting... for example:

"You can just adopt"  (we would LOVE to adopt someday, but this doesn't lessen our heartache or 'fix' things, not to mention the huge costs associated with it and the years it can take. I don't know how to automatically switch from dreaming of my children my whole life, to giving that up and adopting.. though it is very much on my heart, for someday.)

"Maybe you're just not ready get and God wants you to learn a lesson" (I do NOT believe God is withholding a child from us, and if thats how having children works, i'm pretty sure PLENTY of other people wouldn't have had kids)

"It will all be okay, just trust God" (this seems like a comforting statement - but also unintentionally puts pressure on me to not be sad about it towards you or express how I'm feeling)

"Just relax, stress can cause infertility" (our diagnosis has nothing to do with stress, and anyways, telling people this doesn't help... at all.)

(I would like to say that Nicholas & I are so thankful for the people in our lives, and for their sincere responses when we have shared our hearts with them. I know many people don't know what to say, and I know everyone has our best interests in mind. I'd also like to say I did not list those things to scare people away from reaching out, asking questions or offering support... it means so much to me when people ask how I am doing with it, how they can pray, or just let me know they are here for me. I am not bothered by people bringing up the topic.) 

There is another side to this story though:

We KNOW God has promised us children of our own. Before we knew there was any issue, we felt very clear things God was telling us about our children, and this has been confirmed again and again through other people (not in an offhand 'you'll have kids, don't worry' kind of way, but in a deep, prophetic, straight from God kind of way) Through all of this, that deep knowing hasn't left our hearts. I truly wish that I was strong enough that I wasn't shaken at all by these results, that I shrugged it off and said, "I know what God has said, what doctors say doesn't matter." and that was the end of it, but the truth is is that this is a rough journey & I am learning how to stand on truth, but still process the reality of what I'm feeling in the day to day. I can believe we will have kids, but my heart is still hurting, and the thought of this miracle taking years and years, is a tough pill to swallow (though I of course will be overwhelmed with joy when it happens!) In the past week, I have been feeling God challenge me in a new way - to really stand on this truth, to declare life and God's goodness over our miracle baby(ies), to fully believe that we will be parents, and to hold on to Hope in every moment. We know God is the miraculous healer. We have seen Him move in this way time and time again and we believe His will is to heal. I feel like part of this challenge is for me to be more vulnerable, to reach out to those around me, to ask those in our lives that know us and love us, to really stand with us.

Will you stand with us? Will you believe with us, that no matter what doctors have said, that God is more powerful? Will you pray with us, for nothing to hinder our sweet baby from entering this world?