4th week

Our topic of week four was 'Destiny by Design' (link to the website) and our speaker was a very energetic lady from Canada. It was a very different week from the other 3, but it was really good. If you click on the link to the website, you can find out more about what the topic means, but basically it's all about figuring out your calling, based on a combination of a lot of different things. We had personality tests, ministry gift tests, and tons of questions about things like "What are your dreams?' and "What did you like to play as a child?" and then she would relate those answers to our calling, showing how things are engrained in us for a reason. It was all pretty interesting. I'm still processing a lot of what I learned, but I definitely realized a lot of cool stuff about myself that I overlooked in the past.

This week had some bright spots (like an Ethiopian coffee ceremony!) but personally, it was pretty awful. Monday night I found out via Skyping my mom that my dog had passed away. She was only 2 and the reason was some sort of eye infection/irritation that killed her within 2 days. So yeah... completely shocking. It's hard to really relate to a person's feelings when it involves their pet, and I know that some people probably think I'm crazy, but this is all just heartbreaking. I loved and adored her so much, and bonded with her in such a weird, inexplicable way. She was my near constant companion when I was home, day and night, and she brought me so much happiness. Just having this adorable little being that thinks you are the greatest thing in the world, that has a near heart attack of excitement every time you come home, is a crazy feeling, and one I'm going to miss so much. I know I can't fully deal with it while I'm here, cause if I tried hard enough I could live in a bubble and think that she's fine and at home, but once I get back in December and realize she really isn't there, it's going to all come back. Anyways, the last couple weeks have been hard for numerous reasons, and that combining with this week has pretty much pushed me to the edge. It got to the point where I kept telling my parents to figure out how to get me home, somehow. (I know I don't actually want to leave/nor would I just because I'm having a hard time, but in those moments it was the dominant desire) So yeah, this week I've been dealing with stuff I've been trying for weeks or months to surpress and it's just finally at the point where it's not working. I'm not trying to get pity or any such thing, I'm just trying to lay stuff all out, kind of like I'm trying to go through the healing process of this, instead of masking and acting ok. So yeah... while this experience is amazing and I am honestly loving these people, this country, and the cool opportunities I'm getting, I'm just in a current state of... sadness. Not only because of my dog, but from a combination of a bunch of things. Some stuff is just too hard and not necessary to explain, but I'll try give an overview...

While I love to travel, by nature I am a home body. I'm the person that gets homesick for my house when I'm staying the night at a friends. I'm also a person that doesn't really like change, unless it's a change that I'm choosing (I know, it sounds selfish, and probably is) but anyways, my point of those two things is that I think I am still dealing with the fact that I left my home and everything I know, and I don't think it will ever be the same. I have lived in the same town for the last 15 years, and in the same house for the last 11 years, and while I'm gone, my house is being sold and my parents are moving into the country. So, while I was packing to come here, I was also packing up the life I'd known for most of my life. I know that I'll be back in my hometown for at least a bit after this, but I know it won't be the same. Not only did I leave my house and town, but I left my beloved family, my dog, my boyfriend of over a year, and really close friends. I know they won't forget me, but it's scary to think that life could change while I am away. Also, 9 days before I left, my grandma passed away. She was the only grandma I've ever had (my mom's mom died when my mom was a teenager) and even though she was old (92!) and wanted to be with Jesus, death is still just a really hard thing to deal with. I got so caught up in leaving, and suppressing any negative feelings, that all of this is hitting me now... nearly 6 weeks after leaving home. So, in the midst of being thousands of miles away from home, dealing with goodbyes, both forever and temporary ones, this DTS has, for some reason, been so physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. I know the emotional & spiritual exhaustion is a necessary kind, (and the physical exhaustion comes from me just not being good at sleeping) but it is still just overwhelming, when it's combined with all of this stuff at home. This DTS is not about changing our beliefs, it's not about shoving stuff down our throats, it's more so about educating and challenging us on really important issues relating to God and missions. I'm loving it, it's just... hard. It seems like every week I've struggled with something, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that it all relates back to one issue within myself, and that is... doubt. Doubt that I can really hear His voice, doubt that His plan for me is really that great, doubt that I'll ever even figure out His plan, doubt that, if I do figure out His plan, that I'll actually like it, doubt that I'll ever quit doubting myself, and so on. It all sounds silly, especially when I write it out here, but it's been a major struggle and has carried over to every week. I came here thinking I was a pretty confident, solid person with a pretty good view of who God is. I thought I had a few issues of course, and I knew some tweaking in my relationship with God was needed, but I feel like since the minute I've gotten here, I've been overloaded with so much information and so much stuff that requires change and action, mostly within my heart and mind. However, even in all this craziness, I know that I'm meant to be here, and I know that if I preserver through this sad and overwhelming period, that I will obviously see God's hand on it all and that much fruit, even if just within myself, will come after. I don't know if missions is what I want, or what God wants for me, for the rest of my life, but right now it's where my heart is and I'm pretty sure that this crazy experience will make a lot of things more clear in my life, and I can be thankful for that. (Thanks so much for the prayers so far... I appreciate them so much, now more than ever.)