Beautifully Broken

I used to have some pretty lengthy, transparent posts about what was happening in my heart, and I'm trying to get back to that after a period of purely informational posts. So I figured I'd better wrap up this 'at home' chapter with more depth and detail than an 'I'm taking off... bye!' post :)

I have been home from Germany 4 months, but it somehow feels like an eternity. At times, I look back on the last year of my life and cannot relate to any of it - it almost feels like none of it happened. I have had lots of down time at home, lots of time to think and reflect on the last year of my life. If I could sum up my life 'theme' if you will, since starting DTS in July 2011, it would be 'beautifully broken', emphasis on the broken, and well, emphasis on the beauty too.

I could shy away from the heartache, the pain, the loss, the just plain tough aspects of my life. I could only write happy things on here, making myself look like that always cheerful kind of person, but I'd rather be transparent. This has, by far, been the worst year of my life. Nothing extremely up front and tragic happened, but the combination of so many things has just left me... broken. Whether it was just experiencing a lot of change (moving across the world, moving out of my childhood home) or a couple deaths that really hit home, or the end of the only relationship I've ever really experienced, and so on - it all tore me apart. It might be 'normal' things in some peoples lives, but for the most part all of the things were things I was NOT expecting to happen, and therefore had no idea how to handle. Combine all of that with a lot of inner struggling - realizing things in myself I need to change, realizing how much my relationship with God needs work, piling so much guilt on myself for 'failing', letting myself belief the lies that I am unworthy, useless. Also, since I was in a missions training school, I was constantly realizing how much complete brokenness there is in the world & seeing a lot of that with my own eyes for the first time; it was just SO much happening. It got to the point where I was physically effected, eating any food made me nauseous and I just never felt 'good'. I knew I didn't have some sort of disorder, just extreme emotional distress I guess. At times I would open up to friends and cherish those moments, and at other times I had a hard time interacting with anyone. I am not at all trying to throw a pity party (I know everything could have been SO much worse) and I am not going to turn this blog into me whining, so I'll leave it all at that. I tend to outwardly process, so to get to my 'lessons learned' I need to backtrack a bit :)

Now for the 'beautifully' part..... in the midst of all of this happening, my DTS experience was also completely beautiful, amazing, adventurous, and overall just plain life changing. I formed some of the most deep and precious friendships I have ever had. I saw more of this beautiful world, I experienced new cultures, I learned more about Jesus, about myself, and about my calling in life. In the midst of hard seasons, the moments of joy are the most pure thing. I would be in the middle of an especially hard day, something would set off giggling among me and some friends, and that laughter would be the most joy filled, healing thing. It was crazy! I shed a lot of sad tears, but looking back on it all I just want to shed tears of thankfulness, for how BLESSED I was to have experienced the things I experienced.

So, after 6 months of DTS there were 1.5 months at home, 2 months back in Germany again, and 4 months home after (which brings us to now) All of these months have been a mixture of the same thing... joy, brokenness, healing, backtracking, more healing, more joy, more brokenness, more learning, growth, and so on.

My time at home has just been... interesting. I love my family & I love North Dakota, and there has been so much good about my time here (and I know it was needed!) but it has also been a transitional period filled with a lot of loneliness, confusion, waiting on God, and questioning my path in life.

Anyways, looking back on all of this, I can so clearly see Jesus working in my life. I do not think Jesus intentionally puts bad into our life, but I do fully believe that He might let pain happen to bring forth beauty, to grow character, and to show Himself to us. He isn't sitting up there thinking 'Hey, I think I'm gonna hurt Karmen... here goes!' but He might be up there "Man, Karmen is going through a lot, I think I see some huge growth and blessings that I can give her out of this" I have heard this quote numerous times lately, it is by AW Tozer and says.. "It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply." That sounds quite extreme, but the basic gist I get from that is that God will let bad things happen, but He ALWAYS wants to use them for our benefit. [Romans 8:28!] it was weird... during all of my tough times, I never wanted to take the 'blaming God' route, but it was as if I could always clearly see everything's purpose. I could see, no, I could FEEL, the precious things in my life being pried out my hands. It hurt more than I can express, but I always knew that God was stretching me and freeing me up to do what He is calling me to do. He is not forcing me. He is not being mean. I have felt more love from Him in the last year than I ever have before. More than I could ever earn, deserve or give back to Him. I am completely unworthy, I fail Him all the time, I don't always pursue Him like I should, and I have taken things back into my own hands after surrendering them - but He has always been there gently saying, 'Hey - trust me. I love you no matter what you've done. You hurting hurts me. Surrender. Let me heal you, let me show you what I want to do with you, let me show you the BEAUTY I am creating out of your BROKENNESS." and the more I feel those words to be truth, deep in my heart, the more completely overwhelmed I am by Him. My heart has hurt deeply, but I have never in my life felt more ready to love others. I have never felt like I could better reach out to a broken, depressed, shame filled, captive, hurting individual, than right now. Not because I am a superhero, not because I am anything special, but because I have been there.

So yes, I do think Jesus will let us hurt. He sees our whole life picture, He sees where we will go, what we need to be prepared for, who we will reach out to. I don't know my future, but I do know some things. I know that Jesus is the only sense of fulfillment that lasts. I know that I want to be fully healed, and that only He can do that. I want beauty from ashes. I want to remember my own beautifully broken moments, and use those to love others in a unique way. Think about that moment - where you are face to face with someone, relating to them on a deep, heart level, over some similar experience, hurt, or event. If you had never experienced anything bad, if your past was squeaky clean, no mistakes, no hurt, would you really be able to tell someone else, "Hey, it's going to be ok, I KNOW it is, because I've lived it. Jesus helped me, He longs to help you. Our pain doesn't have to always be that.. Jesus wants to turn it into beauty." I believe any bad in our life, no matter how 'small' or 'major' it is, will be used to make us better people, people that can reach out to others in a more real, heartfelt way.

Won't that make it all worth it?

I've also learned how incredibly important it is to let go of the past, to let go of mistakes (learn from them then let 'em go) and to quit living in shame. Jesus died on the cross for our sins, He died so we could live FULLY. I am so guilty of saying I am living like a Christian in the freedom He died to give us (and maybe I really believe I am) but I am walking around with shame from something, with the ties of a false identity around my feet, wondering why I feel this way. I've gotten a mental image numerous times, of myself lying on the ground, weighed down by chains, wondering 'God, why won't these lift off?!' only to realize I am holding the chains on myself, and He is saying 'I died to get those off of you! be free!' If we're Christians, we should just automatically be happy and free right? Well, not exactly, but Jesus did die thousands of years ago to give us hope, a future, a full abundant life, and freedom in Him. I spend so much time focusing on my faults, on where I've messed up and how I've veered off from 'the plan' (idealistic life) instead of doing what I should.. living in what He died to give us. Freedom from guilt, freedom in general, will come when you walk in it.

To sum things up....

I feel I am finally at a point where I can say... 'Thank you Jesus for this year, for ALL of it, the good & the bad. Thanks for strengthening me, for stretching me, for 'taking me through the fire and refining what is good'. Thanks for teaching me that you truly are enough. And still, bad things will happen, bad days will come, so please be near and gently remind me that you want to redeem and renew all things. '

I still hurt, I am still learning and growing and healing, but I feel I am finally at a place of closure on this season of hurt, of more bad days than good days. I have wanted to pursue missionary work for years, but have never felt more prepared. Jesus is doing so much in me, and I am so ready for my new season in Austin to begin!