I'm not sure how writing this post is going to work out - my mind is alllll over the place. Just need to do some updating and this blog has become the easiest tool to update a lot of people at once. I've been back in Germany now for a week and a half, and I am 3 days away from graduating. So so crazy. After graduation my parents (yes, they came for my graduation!)
and I will go to London for a few days then head to Belgium to fly out. I'll be in Colorado for Christmas then head back to North Dakota at the end of the month.
I've been struggling pretty much the whole DTS with what I would do after, and I think I've finally come to the conclusion. If you know me well, you'll know that conclusions are not really something I come to easily. I tend to do a ridiculous amount of over thinking, and second guess almost any big decision I've made. And when the whole "What does God want" factor starts playing into things, I really drive myself crazy. I expect some clear writing in the sky or something, showing His will for me. And I'll drive myself mad just wondering what He really wants. So yeah, long story short... my mind has been a bit chaotic just trying to figure it all out. I was pretty good at not focusing on it much during outreach, but towards the very end I started to experience all kinds of weird emotions. It was like out of nowhere this overwhelming desire for my life before DTS arose. I wasn't regretting the experience, but my mind was going wild just trying to figure how exactly I can get back into life. It's hard to fully go into detail, but just out of nowhere I was consumed by this desire to finish DTS, and get my life back to exactly what it was before. I had some missions oriented plans for home, but mostly it consisted of me rewinding to 6 months earlier. Outreach at this point was going the best it had been, it wasn't like I was having a terrible time, so the thoughts were just super random. So all these thoughts kind of drug me down, and I was just confused by it all. Before this, I'd been wanting to staff at the Herrnhut base or do something else within YWAM, but it was like the desire just left. I told a couple people on my team and they seemed confused by it all as well, and basically just said they were curious to see how I'd feel once I was back in Germany. Outreach was so great and I am so thankful for it, but it was also a struggle and very challenging, and just not really the atmosphere to be making big decisions in. So much is going on, and there are so many emotions and you're exhausted in numerous ways, and yeah... so, I just waited. Sure enough, right when I was back at the Herrnhut base, my heart and thoughts started to change. I felt lighter, happier, and like I experienced some big breakthrough, like the emotional tie to certain things making me want to be back home was finally broke. I felt like I finally overcame this hump and I was seeing things with new, more clear eyes. I didn't really do anything to make this happen, it just happened. It felt so good to be back with my DTS (since 13 out of the 20 other people in my DTS were not on my outreach team) and yeah, I just felt so good. Weeks before, when I was struggling with what to do, I had 2 things going on in my head that I was struggling to choose between, 2 things that don't really matter, so I won't elaborate, but it's like each thing represented which life path I would choose. If I made one choice, I would get the safe, less challenging life back home, where I would probably get a steady job, a degree, get married in a few years, have kids and this 'typical' life. If I chose the other thing, however, I'd have this wild, constantly challenging, possibly scary life that requires a dependence on God for provision, protection, and basically everything else. This might not make much sense to any of you, and really these choices did not consist of obviously choosing one life or another, but I had this bit of a revelation of what the end result would be of each choice. And once I was in Germany, the choice became incredibly obvious, and I've never felt better. DTS has been the hardest 5.5 months of my life, for sure, but also the best. While there has been so much heartache and challenges, there is also just this feeling of - 'this is right'. All the things I've experienced and went through are beginning to become comical, things that just make it seem like God has been so obviously 'booting me out the door' into what I'm called to do. For one thing, I've experienced very little homesickness. This in itself is HUGE for me, who previously felt homesick if I was across town at someone's house for like a day. Sure, there have been moments, but nothing unbearable and not anywhere close to being as bad as I expected. Also, ties to home started getting cut pretty quickly into DTS. Whether it was my family moving from my childhood home, my beloved dog (basically the thing I dreaded leaving the most) dying, or numerous other things happening, ties just kept getting cut. It hurt, more than I can express, but looking back on it all I am beginning to see the purpose more and more. Not that God deliberately did all of this to me, but whatever way, I can see it's all working out for good. So yeah, upon being back at the base the desire to staff rose up again. I had this newfound confidence that this missionary life - this hard, beautiful, scary, fun, challenging, faith filled, dependent on God life is what I want. I'm beginning to know myself and my heart more and more, and I'm finally at the point where I'm ready and confident enough to say this is the life I want. Although there were certainly times during DTS and especially outreach where I doubted that I fit in this life, or times where my heart felt dead and uninterested in things I know myself to be passionate about - I now know that this is where my heart is, this is where my passion lies, and I'm willing to lay aside the 'good, safe future' for a future of uncertainty where everything is in God's hands. I don't want my passion for orphans or sex trafficking to just be that - a passion. I want my passion to turn to action. I want to go to hard places, to do challenging things, and to see God come through. I want to be in situations where I will completely fail if He doesn't come through. I want to help restore the broken and love the fatherless. I don't want to just want, I want to DO! When I look back on the last 5.5 months, and think of the places I was able to go, I'm blown away. I've been able to love on orphans and girls rescued from trafficking, and I've went in some of the darkest areas and spread God's light. This is so crazy to me, and I feel so so blessed. I'm living my dreams and as hard as it can be, I don't want it to stop. I don't know what exactly this looks like. I have a whole lot of ideas but honestly your guess for my future is as good as mine. There's so much beauty in that, though. I find comfort in plans, comfort in security, and right now I have basically none of that, and it feels pretty awesome.
All I know as of now is that I'm quite certain that staffing at this base is the best next step for me. There are so many possibilities here, and it is a really great way to get on the missions field, but not in one specific area of ministry or country. I have a heart for so many different things right now. My mind is always reeling and my newest passion is somehow going to Uganda and working with child soldiers. Staffing with YWAM allows you to do practical work (office work, kitchen work, etc) and also getting involved with staff outreaches, leading student outreaches, staffing schools, mentoring, doing local outreach around the country (in this case, Germany) and basically just get into so many different areas of missions. Yes, I know I am called to missions. I've wanted this for years and can see how many things inside of me and in my life have shaped this desire even more. I want to be a missionary. However, I'm certainly not ready to hop on a plane to Africa, go build a church in some village and live there for 30 years. That's awesome, and maybe that'll be me someday, but I know that right now I need experience in numerous areas and countries. Staffing with YWAM allows this in a structured yet Spirit led way. I've talked to people that have been staff for a year and have already been to so many countries doing numerous types of work. Just thinking about this makes my heart excited. It almost sounds too good to be true, like I created some organization to fit in perfectly with the desires that have been in me for years. The desire to travel, a lot, and to help people in many different situations and countries. And yeah, it's just all so cool and I'm so excited about all of the possibilities in front of me. So yeah, I applied for staff, was accepted, and am looking into returning in the beginning of February. This means I would only be home for like 6 weeks, and in those six weeks I need to somehow figure out how to make money and raise support. That brings me to one of the more intimidating aspects of being a missionary... getting monetary support. Since this is a missions base, you do not get paid to staff. In fact, you pay to be a staff. I was told that it will cost a minimum of $350 a month, but that just includes staff fees, housing and food, and missionary insurance. Traveling expenses and outreaches are all extra. I also need $600-$800 for a flight back to Germany. The people staffing at this base are all surviving on people's support, and I have seen God provide for others in so many cool ways since I've been here. Asking people for money is the most awkward thing for me, but I guess if I am choosing this missionary life I better get used to it, huh? When I went to Chin@ and when I went to DTS, I tried to work and come up with the funds myself, and both times I ended up having to ask. Maybe it's an issue of pride, or just not wanting to bug people, but both times it has been awkward and humbling. However, being supported, whether with money or prayers or encouragement, has seriously been one of the most important parts of my missions experiences. When someone invests money or prayers into me, they join me in whatever I'm doing. Maybe you've never been to Cambodia, but when you gave me that money, you joined in right alongside me in hugging those precious orphans and teaching English to precious women rescued from prostitution. When you prayed for me, I'm sure it kept me more safe and made me more effective than I would have been without that prayer. So instead of thinking of asking for support as a burden to others and an awkward request on my part, I'm realizing that it is really just giving others the opportunity to be a part of things they may not get to do in person. As Christians, I fully believe we are all called to missions (like Mark 16:15 says... "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation) but for each person that could look different. Maybe it means you should literally go on the mission field, or maybe it means you support a missionary with prayers, encouragement, or money. I cannot express how much the support I've received has meant to me. I'm so so so blessed to have been so supported. So yeah, I'm sorry if this was just crazy rambling that doesn't make sense. My mind has so many thoughts, and I'm trying to formulate things in a way that will make sense to you reading, but I feel like I'm failing. haha. Feel free to ask any questions, I will be more than happy to answer!
*As far as financial support goes, you can ask me for my address, or money can be sent thru paypal to the email karmen.lawrence@gmail.com. (donate button on the side of the page)
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