seasons

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tomorrow marks 4 months since i arrived in austin, i can hardly believe it...

on one hand, it's flown by, but on the other, i feel like so much living, so much growth has been packed into a mere 4 months. has it been what i expected? not at all. 

then again, when is life ever what we expect? when do we step into a new season knowing whole heartedly all it will hold? we don't, we can't, but i think there is so much beauty in that.  

i've moved a few times, (yet still haven't had that 'homey' place) i've made the heart wrenching decision to take my beloved pup Lewis back to North Dakota (because of said living situations not being dog friendly) i've cried a lot, but i've laughed way more. i've went through that awkward 'i-don't-really-know-you' stage, and made it through to develop some of the most precious friendships i've ever had. i've had some near sleepless nights due to worry or wonder, and i've stayed up till halfway through the night having deep conversations and laughing till i cry. i've felt some dreams die or feel stifled  and i felt some dreams sky rocket to the top of my heart, and i've discovered new dreams. i've learned i'm a lot more optimistic and laid back than i previously thought, and that i can handle going with the flow a lot better than i knew i could. i've shrunk back, i've stepped up. it's been a season of stark contrasts, but the good has always outweighed the bad. always. 

 i think i've walked beyond this past desert season in my life, a season of a lot of hurt, brokenness, and seemingly more bad than good (yet so much growth happened and i'm thankful for it all) and i'm stepping into a new season, one where the perseverance through the desert season pays off, and where joy and peace are going to become deeply engrained in my being. where a new freedom will be grasped, and dreams won't just be dreams but will be things i'm living out, where all the things inside of me that i've yet grown into, will start coming out in ways that surprise even me. life is naturally going to have trials, hurts, disappointments, and just tough things to walk through, but i think i'm coming to a place where i am more fully grasping (i'm sure it takes a lifetime to grasp, but i'm grasping it more than i have before) that He is truly all we need, we can be joyful and at peace in the midst of anything. i've had the craziest experience in the last couple months, where my heart feels like it's really breaking, that heartwrenching pain you can actually feel, and God has clearly, quickly, came to me and has been like, 'no, I got this. I have your heart, and i'm healing it.' i'd even try to wallow in things a while and would just feel Him saying 'nope, remember, i got this' i've never so quickly experienced that - going from slight despair, to spending some time with Him, focusing only on Him, and realizing the despair has lifted. it's the most wonderful thing. how different would our lives be if we'd really grasp that concept? He is ALL we need to feel better. life can, and will, be hard, but He is so good. He gives us peace that passes all understanding. we can be at rest in the midst of life's weirdest/hardest/directionless seasons... this is so good! i can't be thankful enough. 

i'm so far from perfect. so so far from perfect, but i'm learning. i'm seeing areas God wants to grow me in, and instead of it being this 'wow, i have so much i need to work on, so many areas i'm not good enough in' it's become this excitement, this realization that i have the best Dad ever, that reveals gently to my heart what the 'other side' is, and how He wants to bring me into it, what areas in me He wants to come into and restore, redeem, renew, and speak to me the Truth of who He is. 

the 'other side' is joy. it's peace. it's rest. it's remaining calm in chaos. it's rejoicing in my weaknesses because they allow His strength to come through. it's getting more of a grasp on who He is, and because He is reigning in me, who I am in Him. 

this changes everything!